Thank you EVERYONE for your prayers and sweet words and encouragement.
I was very nervous to let everyone know what had happened to us, but I have noticed that healing this time around has been different and seems better than in March. I don't know if I can say "better" but I can say different in a positive way. We have been called, texted, emailed, hugged on, loved on, prayed for and encouraged by so many people.
The only times that I have felt awkward are the times people didn't know and I had to explain what happened. They feel terrible for asking, they think I hate them for even asking, they don't know what to say or how to react for fear of making me cry or become upset, it is all around uncomfortable. I know that there will be more of those encounters. Each time it happens I get a little better about handling it and a little better about dealing with it emotionally afterwards.
This past week I went to Panama City Beach, Florida with the youth group from our church. Tyler wasn't able to go and I almost didn't go myself because of our recent circumstances. Bryan, the youth pastor (who is one of our best friends) called me and told me he completely understood if I didn't want to go and it would be ok. My very wonderful, sweet friend Heidi was also going as a counselor and she has been by my side through both miscarriages. I knew that without Tyler there it would be really tough, but I didn't feel pressured to go (thank you so much Bryan) and I knew that Heidi would be there if I really needed her physically or emotionally to hold me up. So, I went. And, she did. The ride up there on the bus was the hardest part. She comforted me while I cried and loved on me like best friends do. Thank you Lord for Heidi and thank you Heidi for being there.
Going to the camp was probably the best decision of the summer. I was really worried about becoming so emotional during messages and worship that I would have to leave. But the good Lord held me up, quite well, of course (how could I ever doubt that He would?) It was wonderful to serve and love on and minister to the students and let them do the same for me.
I was placed in a room of 8 preciously sweet, almost 9th grade girls who didn't keep me up all night, kept the room clean and were so wonderful (thank you Sabrina, Lyric, Aimee, Jessica, Diana, Mariah, Katelyn and Corina)! I shared these 8 girls with 2 beautiful other counselors, Megan and Biz. They are both young and energetic and strong in their faith and just beam with love and joy, all the best qualities of someone to lead young girls to the Lord. They were sweet and didn't push me to talk about anything until I was ready. They spoke truth and love into the 9th grade girls during small group time and saw 2 of these young ladies give their life to Christ this week, AMEN!
I was assigned a small group of girls with another leader, Stephany, who was a perfect match for me. She and I really got opportunities to speak to the hearts of the girls in our group through experience and scripture. They also spoke to me by being open, honest and vulnerable to allow the Lord to move them. Thanks Nikki, Brittany, Olivia, Victoria, Kacie, Hailey and Hannah, you are such beautiful girls! God moved and shook their lives through the week and it was amazing to witness and 1 of them got saved, too! Stephany and I were able to spend some one-on-one time together talking about things going on in our lives and she listened without judgement or shock and prayed with me and shared encouragement with me. She is young, but so wise and so beautiful, inside and out.
Also, my best friend from high school, Natalie was there at the same time with her church. We got to see each other a few times every day and each night we got to visit for about 15 minutes to talk about what God was doing with our students and she was checking in on how I was doing. I love her, and have for almost 13 years. Thank you Nat, you are and have alwasy been a beautiful, wonderful friend.
There were so many other people at camp, leaders and students that were amazing and I would be listing names all day to say thanks to everyone. So, everyone, THANK YOU! I loved watching these fantastic students open their hearts to the love that God has for them. I loved working with such amazing volunteers, musicians and leaders to bring these kids closer to Christ and to help bring salvation to MANY students! It was an incredible week, indescribable, actually.
It was hard being away from Tyler and I wish that we could have gone together, but at the same time, it would have been a very different experience if he were there. I would have leaned on him and talked to him instead of growing close to others and letting God really heal me. It was a glorious homecoming and he was so happy that I had such a great, healing time.
So, as I said we would, we have taken one day at a time. It has been a good method, because every day is a little easier than the day before. We still have to think more, pray more about and decide our next step. Thankfully, we don't have to decide immediately, we call the shots on timing. I am so thankful that Tyler encouraged me to go to camp and so glad that Bryan didn't pressure me. I am so happy that I went, I really feel like a did 2 months worth of healing time in less than a week. I have so much to be thankful for, and I love my sweet Jesus for blessing me with so much.