Saturday, July 24, 2010
I was very nervous to let everyone know what had happened to us, but I have noticed that healing this time around has been different and seems better than in March. I don't know if I can say "better" but I can say different in a positive way. We have been called, texted, emailed, hugged on, loved on, prayed for and encouraged by so many people.
The only times that I have felt awkward are the times people didn't know and I had to explain what happened. They feel terrible for asking, they think I hate them for even asking, they don't know what to say or how to react for fear of making me cry or become upset, it is all around uncomfortable. I know that there will be more of those encounters. Each time it happens I get a little better about handling it and a little better about dealing with it emotionally afterwards.
This past week I went to Panama City Beach, Florida with the youth group from our church. Tyler wasn't able to go and I almost didn't go myself because of our recent circumstances. Bryan, the youth pastor (who is one of our best friends) called me and told me he completely understood if I didn't want to go and it would be ok. My very wonderful, sweet friend Heidi was also going as a counselor and she has been by my side through both miscarriages. I knew that without Tyler there it would be really tough, but I didn't feel pressured to go (thank you so much Bryan) and I knew that Heidi would be there if I really needed her physically or emotionally to hold me up. So, I went. And, she did. The ride up there on the bus was the hardest part. She comforted me while I cried and loved on me like best friends do. Thank you Lord for Heidi and thank you Heidi for being there.
Going to the camp was probably the best decision of the summer. I was really worried about becoming so emotional during messages and worship that I would have to leave. But the good Lord held me up, quite well, of course (how could I ever doubt that He would?) It was wonderful to serve and love on and minister to the students and let them do the same for me.
I was placed in a room of 8 preciously sweet, almost 9th grade girls who didn't keep me up all night, kept the room clean and were so wonderful (thank you Sabrina, Lyric, Aimee, Jessica, Diana, Mariah, Katelyn and Corina)! I shared these 8 girls with 2 beautiful other counselors, Megan and Biz. They are both young and energetic and strong in their faith and just beam with love and joy, all the best qualities of someone to lead young girls to the Lord. They were sweet and didn't push me to talk about anything until I was ready. They spoke truth and love into the 9th grade girls during small group time and saw 2 of these young ladies give their life to Christ this week, AMEN!
I was assigned a small group of girls with another leader, Stephany, who was a perfect match for me. She and I really got opportunities to speak to the hearts of the girls in our group through experience and scripture. They also spoke to me by being open, honest and vulnerable to allow the Lord to move them. Thanks Nikki, Brittany, Olivia, Victoria, Kacie, Hailey and Hannah, you are such beautiful girls! God moved and shook their lives through the week and it was amazing to witness and 1 of them got saved, too! Stephany and I were able to spend some one-on-one time together talking about things going on in our lives and she listened without judgement or shock and prayed with me and shared encouragement with me. She is young, but so wise and so beautiful, inside and out.
Also, my best friend from high school, Natalie was there at the same time with her church. We got to see each other a few times every day and each night we got to visit for about 15 minutes to talk about what God was doing with our students and she was checking in on how I was doing. I love her, and have for almost 13 years. Thank you Nat, you are and have alwasy been a beautiful, wonderful friend.
There were so many other people at camp, leaders and students that were amazing and I would be listing names all day to say thanks to everyone. So, everyone, THANK YOU! I loved watching these fantastic students open their hearts to the love that God has for them. I loved working with such amazing volunteers, musicians and leaders to bring these kids closer to Christ and to help bring salvation to MANY students! It was an incredible week, indescribable, actually.
It was hard being away from Tyler and I wish that we could have gone together, but at the same time, it would have been a very different experience if he were there. I would have leaned on him and talked to him instead of growing close to others and letting God really heal me. It was a glorious homecoming and he was so happy that I had such a great, healing time.
So, as I said we would, we have taken one day at a time. It has been a good method, because every day is a little easier than the day before. We still have to think more, pray more about and decide our next step. Thankfully, we don't have to decide immediately, we call the shots on timing. I am so thankful that Tyler encouraged me to go to camp and so glad that Bryan didn't pressure me. I am so happy that I went, I really feel like a did 2 months worth of healing time in less than a week. I have so much to be thankful for, and I love my sweet Jesus for blessing me with so much.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I will try to be brief, but I want people to know what is going on.
I am going through the hardest time of my life and I need a lot of prayers. I cannot express in words all the emotions that I am feeling or the depth of my pain.
Many people didn’t know this, but at the end of February, Tyler and I found out we were going to have a baby. We had prayed and planned and yearned to have a child and we were joyous and celebrated for 4 days before I had a miscarriage on March 2. We didn’t and still don’t understand why, and we probably never will. But, we mourned and grieved and took comfort in the fact that we will get see our baby in heaven. We were thankful that our families and friends lifted us up in prayer and cried with us.
Exactly 3 months later, on June 2, we found out that we were pregnant again. At one of our early appointments we were told by an ultrasound technician that we were not as far along as we originally thought, that the sonogram was showing a 6 week baby at the time that we thought we should have an 8 week baby. But, we saw a teeny tiny little baby and we got to see the heart beating, so we were thrilled and fell completely in love with this tiny life. They asked for us to come in again a week later so we could hear the heart beat. In our excitement, we told everyone. Everyone in our family, everyone we work with, go to church with, and everyone else we used to know or even barely know (thanks to facebook).
Yesterday, July 8, we went in for that ultrasound and met with the Dr. She said that she had some concerns about the size of the baby from the ultrasound pictures that the tech took because we should have been 8 weeks and the sonogram showed 6. When she turned on the machine she saw that there was no growth from the previous ultrasound, which was 10 days earlier, she also could not find a heartbeat. She said that we were probably 9 ½ weeks along, but the baby just had not grown correctly and was no longer living. So, now this baby is in heaven playing with our first that we lost.
Tyler and I are broken beyond words. We cannot understand why we had not one, but two babies taken from us before we got to meet them.
Everyone said after the first miscarriage that “it is very common” and “it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do” and “you got pregnant once, you can do it again soon.”
Now, people don’t know what to say. They say they are praying and they offer their most loving words. And, I guess that is all we need. We don’t even know what words we want to hear or need to hear. We don’t know why or how this happened. It really seems impossible to me and I can’t make sense of it. We both come from large, fertile families where there were never problems. We are surrounded by beautiful friends with perfect babies and a few amazing friends who understand our heartache all too well.
We are thankful for all the people in our lives who love us and are crying with us. We are thankful for each other and that God has so clearly and divinely matched us up. There is no other man in the world I would want to spend my days and nights and laughs and cries with. Tyler is so strong and good to me, better than I deserve. He says sweet, kind things to me and tells me of his love. When he knows that words aren’t what I need, he just loves me and is sitting there, standing there, or laying there comforting me with his presence and his touch. I praise God every day for giving me the best husband in the world for me. He is my perfect love.
Some people are asking about the future, occasionally we ask each other about the future. Try again? See a specialist? Take medicine? Be part of a study? We don’t know what our next step will be, or when. Right now we need to focus on mourning and recovering. One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, that’s all I’m asking of You…
My mom comforted me with a wonderful thought, that our babies are playing with their Poppa B in heaven and he is taking care of them until we get there. Poppa B is my dad, he died of cancer 6 years ago. It seems very silly, even to me, but at the same time it is comforting to me. I can’t wait to get to heaven for many reasons, but the idea of seeing our two, beautiful, fair skinned, blonde babies playing with my dad on the golden streets of heaven makes me smile. I hope they will know and love us as much as we love them.
Please join us in praying for peace and comfort. Please don’t feel obligated to say anything to Tyler or me or leave a comment or anything that makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to tell everyone but I couldn’t NOT tell for fear of people not knowing and continuing to ask about the baby or how am I feeling or when are we due. I fear facing people at work and get-togethers and our church, mostly because I don’t want them to ask about the baby, not knowing we lost it and then me crying and them feeling bad and it all being horribly uncomfortable for everyone involved. I have a lot of fears to be honest, but I don’t want to be pitied. Tyler and I want prayers and support, but we don’t want people to avoid us or be weird.
One of my very good friends is sadly going through this with me. She lost her first baby at the same time I lost mine. Now, we are mourning our second together. She has been a rock and a prayer warrior for me, and I have been on my knees for her. She sent me this verse and it was exactly what I needed at the time. It breaks my heart that she is so familiar with my pain that she knew just what verse to put.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all.
I know that the Lord is close to me, I know that He will deliver us from this, just as he did in March. I praise God for all he has blessed me with and I cry out to Him to take my pain. I believe in His plan for us and that He will love me and hear my cries. I know that He does not wish pain on me and I believe that He will give us the child He wants for us in the time that He knows is perfect. I just pray that until that time comes, He will comfort us and give us peace.