I will try to be brief, but I want people to know what is going on.
I am going through the hardest time of my life and I need a lot of prayers. I cannot express in words all the emotions that I am feeling or the depth of my pain.
Many people didn’t know this, but at the end of February, Tyler and I found out we were going to have a baby. We had prayed and planned and yearned to have a child and we were joyous and celebrated for 4 days before I had a miscarriage on March 2. We didn’t and still don’t understand why, and we probably never will. But, we mourned and grieved and took comfort in the fact that we will get see our baby in heaven. We were thankful that our families and friends lifted us up in prayer and cried with us.
Exactly 3 months later, on June 2, we found out that we were pregnant again. At one of our early appointments we were told by an ultrasound technician that we were not as far along as we originally thought, that the sonogram was showing a 6 week baby at the time that we thought we should have an 8 week baby. But, we saw a teeny tiny little baby and we got to see the heart beating, so we were thrilled and fell completely in love with this tiny life. They asked for us to come in again a week later so we could hear the heart beat. In our excitement, we told everyone. Everyone in our family, everyone we work with, go to church with, and everyone else we used to know or even barely know (thanks to facebook).
Yesterday, July 8, we went in for that ultrasound and met with the Dr. She said that she had some concerns about the size of the baby from the ultrasound pictures that the tech took because we should have been 8 weeks and the sonogram showed 6. When she turned on the machine she saw that there was no growth from the previous ultrasound, which was 10 days earlier, she also could not find a heartbeat. She said that we were probably 9 ½ weeks along, but the baby just had not grown correctly and was no longer living. So, now this baby is in heaven playing with our first that we lost.
Tyler and I are broken beyond words. We cannot understand why we had not one, but two babies taken from us before we got to meet them.
Everyone said after the first miscarriage that “it is very common” and “it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do” and “you got pregnant once, you can do it again soon.”
Now, people don’t know what to say. They say they are praying and they offer their most loving words. And, I guess that is all we need. We don’t even know what words we want to hear or need to hear. We don’t know why or how this happened. It really seems impossible to me and I can’t make sense of it. We both come from large, fertile families where there were never problems. We are surrounded by beautiful friends with perfect babies and a few amazing friends who understand our heartache all too well.
We are thankful for all the people in our lives who love us and are crying with us. We are thankful for each other and that God has so clearly and divinely matched us up. There is no other man in the world I would want to spend my days and nights and laughs and cries with. Tyler is so strong and good to me, better than I deserve. He says sweet, kind things to me and tells me of his love. When he knows that words aren’t what I need, he just loves me and is sitting there, standing there, or laying there comforting me with his presence and his touch. I praise God every day for giving me the best husband in the world for me. He is my perfect love.
Some people are asking about the future, occasionally we ask each other about the future. Try again? See a specialist? Take medicine? Be part of a study? We don’t know what our next step will be, or when. Right now we need to focus on mourning and recovering. One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, that’s all I’m asking of You…
My mom comforted me with a wonderful thought, that our babies are playing with their Poppa B in heaven and he is taking care of them until we get there. Poppa B is my dad, he died of cancer 6 years ago. It seems very silly, even to me, but at the same time it is comforting to me. I can’t wait to get to heaven for many reasons, but the idea of seeing our two, beautiful, fair skinned, blonde babies playing with my dad on the golden streets of heaven makes me smile. I hope they will know and love us as much as we love them.
Please join us in praying for peace and comfort. Please don’t feel obligated to say anything to Tyler or me or leave a comment or anything that makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to tell everyone but I couldn’t NOT tell for fear of people not knowing and continuing to ask about the baby or how am I feeling or when are we due. I fear facing people at work and get-togethers and our church, mostly because I don’t want them to ask about the baby, not knowing we lost it and then me crying and them feeling bad and it all being horribly uncomfortable for everyone involved. I have a lot of fears to be honest, but I don’t want to be pitied. Tyler and I want prayers and support, but we don’t want people to avoid us or be weird.
One of my very good friends is sadly going through this with me. She lost her first baby at the same time I lost mine. Now, we are mourning our second together. She has been a rock and a prayer warrior for me, and I have been on my knees for her. She sent me this verse and it was exactly what I needed at the time. It breaks my heart that she is so familiar with my pain that she knew just what verse to put.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all.
I know that the Lord is close to me, I know that He will deliver us from this, just as he did in March. I praise God for all he has blessed me with and I cry out to Him to take my pain. I believe in His plan for us and that He will love me and hear my cries. I know that He does not wish pain on me and I believe that He will give us the child He wants for us in the time that He knows is perfect. I just pray that until that time comes, He will comfort us and give us peace.